Pinay mom parenting her Caucasian/Filipino daughter in suburban America.
I do not know what to do or what to say back.
Every time, and I mean, EVERY TIME, I tell Mary to do something (like, change her clothes, go have breakfast, turn off the light in the bathroom, etc.) or reprimand her for interrupting a phone conversation with Gramma for no reason or admonish her for having her toys all over the living room, she answers back with,
“You don’t love me?”
Or a variation of it,
“You hate me?”
Now, where did this come from?
Must have heard it from one of her friends. Or, on TV, perhaps?
I have sat down with her a few times that nothing she does can every make me hate her and that the things I do is to keep her safe and make sure that she grows strong and healthy. Her Dad had tried explaining things to her, too.
But, this is still her response to me.
Help! It’s driving me nuts— to the point that I sometimes say, “Yes, I hate that you are not listening to me and getting dressed.” And of course this just escalates to “You hate ME? I’m telling Daddy!!!!!! You hate your own daughter?”
Oh, there’s another thing. Like, when I am on the computer, finishing up a post and then, she comes along and wants to get on pbdskids.org and I tell her to wait a couple of minutes, she then says,
“You care more about the computer than your own daughter?”
Now, what do you say to that?
Mary is my "I'm Not a Baby!" daughter and this is my blog about her and our life in suburban America. Parenting tales, our travels and travails, forays into great and not-so-great restaurants, kitchen adventures--- all chronicled with as much photos as you can stand. Comments are very much appreciated --- let me know you dropped by! Thank you.
Jennic
January 14th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Oy. Please do let me know if you or any of the commenters come up with clever and useful responses OK? I don’t check comment sections typically so if you could email me I’d appreciate it.
Our oldest is 4.5. Although he hasn’t said those exact words yet, I’m certain he will soon. Right now it’s me asking him to do something at least 5 times before he listens, and that’s if I shove my face right in front of his! GRRRR
They simply don’t get that we are our own person and we have feelings too. They are not the center of the world (although almost everything we as moms do confirms that). The concept of “wait” is unfamiliar around here.
LB
January 14th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
I get the same thing and it is frustrating. I’ve tried the talks and everything. At first I was hoping it was a just a phase, but my 9 year olds still try it every now and then.
I usually say something along the lines of “You know that I do not hate you and there is nothing you could ever do to make me hate you and you, along with your brother/sisters are the most important people in my world. Everything I do is for you, whether you realize it or not. I am on the computer, taking a break so that I can be the best mommy I can be. IF I don’t take a break every now and then, I will end up getting too stressed and frazzled to be a good mommy.”
So far, it works and they apologize, but I know it will only be so long before I will have to change my strategy.
manisha
January 14th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Classic manipulation! And she gets a response from you so she knows it works. I would suggest that you tell her that you would prefer that she gets dressed right away rather than tell her how you feel about her not getting dressed. When you tell her how you feel about what she is not doing, she picks up on that instead of what she should be doing. Basically she is trying to run a guilt trip on you each time.
About computer time: why don’t you give her a particular time slot that is hers to be on the computer? If she still wants to compete with you for computer time, it’s fine to be firm and simply say no. She’s just pushing her boundaries to see how far she can push you. Don’t give in. Be ready for tears and a tantrum. They will subside when she realizes you aren’t giving in.
Marla Ellis
January 14th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Hello I just wanted to stop in and let you know that I stopped by and I love your blog and will be visiting often..
Your Friend,
**Marla**
You have been tagged to see the rules visit: http://marlasfunstuff.blogspot.com
and have some fun..
Marylin
January 14th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
oh I know I’ve got this to come… especially the last bit about the computer!
As the others have said, she’s just pushing as many boundaries as she can. Now she knows that she can get your attention by saying these things she’ll carry on using them.
I’ve not been there yet so I guess I can’t really offer any advice, I’d probably attempt to ignore what she was saying as responding to it every time will just cement it even more?
I think Jennic has hit the nail on the head though - kids need to learn that they are not the centre of their parents universe, or at least not all the time.
Try not to let it get to you, and stay strong!
Marla Ellis
January 14th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Hello Thanks for leaving the comment on my blog.. and thanks for giving me the hope that one day my little man will go to bed before 2:00a.m. ( needs to stay awake until his Daddy walks in the door, son for my there is no down time until then)At least my husband in nice enough to let me get some work done with out the consent mommy do this and thats….
I will come back here and read your blog often..
Your Friend,
**Marla**
http://marlasfunstuff.blogspot.com
http://www.rainbow-scents.com
Gina
January 14th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
I will share some strategies with Rach n Lala, they are like that also before but now they give in already. They are trying to push us to our limits if we give in to what they want, they will abuse us. With lala she is still stubborn but when she is in that mood, I don’t talk to her, I ignore her. I tell her I will talk to her when she in good mood. Why don’t you try it and I stop shouting at her, so she won’t shout at me. The kids follow what they see in their parents. Love you Ditse, she will listen and understand you.
raqgold
January 15th, 2008 at 11:09 am
awww, she’s experimenting
i dont get those words yet from my girls though IC’s been repeating these words to me: ‘I want to buy a new mama’ and i always answer: okay, just let me know if you found another one and i could go…hehe
Amy
January 22nd, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Being the sarcastic mother that I am I always agree. I do hate you, I do love th computer more. I was like that when I was little and was slightly mean to my favorite cat because I felt my mom liked her better. Weird, huh? Well, good luck. I have been threatening to my children that I am getting my own apartment since they have worked it all out and know everything already. How’s that for therapy assurance?